Why am I always uneasy in relationships?

He liked his ex-coworker's post, and I scrolled her feed until 3 a.m.

That like was probably just a thumb. But for an insecure mind, 'just' and 'deliberate' blur into the same thing. Every breadcrumb gets a story written on top of it.

Tuesday night he idly liked a post. I caught it from the corner of my eye: 'Happy birthday 🎂, Jiejie.' A former colleague he'd gone on a work trip with last year.

I didn't ask. I opened her feed, scrolling from three months back to the trip. I zoomed in on every group photo to gauge how close they stood — she always seemed just a little closer to the camera than he did. I counted the birthday wishes she'd posted; he'd liked seven — but only this one had the 🎂.

I even opened her Weibo, found last year's birthday post — he'd commented 'happy birthday,' only four words. Mine was also four words last year. Inside my head I kept counting: why does she get one too.

He laughed easier with his colleague than he ever has with me

I wasn't really afraid of anything happening between them. I was afraid of another possibility — that he can be lighter with someone else. But that kind of mean thought I can't even bring myself to say.

That night his team had a video-call toast. I sat on the side and watched him cycle through colleagues.

With one woman colleague, he laughed — his shoulders shook. I had no idea he could laugh like that. With me his laugh comes out through his nose; with her, his whole face loosened. Inside my head I was making a comparison chart.

I leaned over to peek at his screen — he instinctively tilted it one degree away. There was nothing — he was just opening a ride-hailing app. But that one flinch bothered me more than any conversation he had that night. I didn't say anything the rest of the evening.